It's precisely 1:01 pm as I begin writing this, and today has been unexpected. The Concert Chorale that I sing in at school (Lee University) both gave a short concert and led worship for two services at a church this morning. Admittedly, getting up at 6:45 am on a weekend to go sing was not exactly a welcome obligation, but our intent was to go and share something meaningful. In truth, I don't know how much or how little it meant to the congregation. I expect that some had a harder time connecting with the classical style at times, but regardless of the impact we had, I was deeply affected as I sang one of the pieces this morning.

The piece, "Ubi Caritas et Amor" is an adaptation of an old Gregorian chant. The text is in the original Latin form, but as the choir came to the latter portion, I found myself nearing tears. The words "Gaudium quod est immensum" still rang in my head long after we finished the song, and at my first opportunity following the service I hurriedly looked up the translation. Describing the person of Christ, the text declares him " the joy that is immense". Now, I'm certainly a not person who is given to over-spiritualizing things, but today, in spite of my heavily cynical nature, there is a reason I was so greatly moved by those words even before I comprehended their explicit meaning...

It's a long time since I first declared my faith in Christ, and since then much has happened. I have led a personal life marked and overshadowed by considerable, large-scale mistakes of the type that would indicate to most that I had walked away from that declaration (I, for shame, cannot and need not bring myself to detail them in full here). A friend of mine recently commented about my relationship to God in a letter (and I quote) "From my observation, it seems business-like rather than personal." She went on to ask, "when was the last time you found honest joy in using your gifts?" I had no answer...

Her question was more astute than she knew, than I knew.....until this morning. The truth is that I haven't found joy in my music or in my normal day-to-day, because quite simply, at the bidding of my choices, the person of Christ, "the joy that is immense" has long since departed those things. I have been quietly reminded today of the reason for my long-standing emptiness, and that reason is the absence of Jesus Christ in my life and its' implied decisions.

Still, I don't write in a melancholy mood today. The words of that song have lent hope to a very messy and troubled time in my life and faith, and I can yet hear them challenging my darkened eyes to open and look upon the light of the promise I once called my own:

Simul quoque cum beatis videamus,
Glorianter vultum tuum, Christe Deus:
Gaudium quod est immensum, atque probum,
Saecula per infinita saeculorum. Amen.

And may we with the saints also,
See Thy face in glory, O Christ our God:
The joy that is immense and good,
Unto the ages through infinite ages. Amen.

Indeed...Amen.

-John